And Here It Is...Finally..."Ignorance & Confidence"

Okay:

So today is the day and here she is...





CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD.

I have just given birth to a forty-two minute long player and, boy, are my arms tired. It was a quite an ordeal getting this thing done. I didn't make a final decision on the track listing until Friday night. But this collection of songs, in this particular order, is truly something special. And it's free.

I typically don't blog on holidays. But here's a track-by-track back story.

1. INTRO: This was an actual dream that I had. But I didn't realize what the dream meant until I came up with the idea for this intro. It's not meant to be sacrilegious in any way, and I certainly hope it isn't interpreted that way. Or maybe I don't care.

2. SHINE: This was produced by my good friend, Du. He sent this beat to me a few months ago via email and said he just wanted me to put down a good 16 because he wanted to make a posse cut. When I was in the final stages of putting the album together I remembered this track and asked if he ever got any other emcees on it. Luckily the answer was no and I was able to create this track, which is probably my favorite on the entire album.

3. A GORGEOUS KILLER: I got the title from my favorite verse of all time, Pusha T's 16 bars of perfection on "What Happened To That Boy?". Joe D gave me this track a long time ago and I rediscovered it earlier this year. The song isn't really about anything. It's certainly not about violence. It's metaphorical.

4. CUCUMBER: This is another track from Du. I love this beat. I don't know how you could even attempt to talk about anything besides pimp shit over something like this. I guess here I was trying to redefine cool, not literal pimping. Hopefully, that's what comes across. Or maybe I don't care.

5. INTERLUDE: I recorded this while I was suffering from a fairly serious throat infection this summer that kept me quarantined to the house for a week. Joe thought it was hilarious, and maybe you will too. Or maybe you'll feel the same way that I feel about most interludes. An unnecessary self-indulgent distraction from the music.

6. THEME FROM "A PLACE CALLED FAR": Joe D produced this one too. I'm probably most proud of this track. The concept, I think, is pretty original and truly interesting. I'll let you be the judge though.

7. COCKY: Bridge produced this one. He's a good friend and he's been sending me beats for a few months now. This track reminds me of my favorite period in hip hop. The lyrics are a reflection of me at my irreverent best, balanced with some mature introspective conceits. Me likey.

8. GOVERNMENT GAME: Also produced by Bridge. This was the second track I recorded to the beats he had been sending me. I recorded the first verse one night. Then I went to the movies one night, alone. And that's when the second verse came to me. I wanted to create a crescendo effect. It ended up sounding exactly the way it did in my head, which is a rarity.

9. DC IZZA MOTHA@#$%: This is another Joe D banger. I recorded the first version of this track at Gill's house earlier this year. There was some crazy buzzing going on in the mic, so I re-recorded it at my house later, but it's pretty close to the original. Always gotta do at least one for the homies. Maybe this'll become like a local anthem. That would be nice.

10. LOVE'S HOLIDAY: Joe's a genius. I absolutely love this beat and always have, but I could never figure out what to write to it. Then this idea just came to me one day while I was lounging around the house. Originally I was singing the bridge at the end, but I was horribly out of key so I knew I wanted to get another vocalist to sing the lyrics for me. Moon was my first choice, and it took months before I finally got her over to my house to lay the thing down. It came out great though. I met John Lee though my friend Matt Grason at a Motel show at DC9. I told him I needed some guitar work and we set up some time for him to come through. He brought in this big plastic suitcase full of shit that would give his guitar different sounds. He drank a few beers, smoked a few cigarettes, did 3 or 4 takes and was out of there. I was completely mesmerized and more than satisfied with how everything turned out.

So there you have it. I hope you enjoy it. Happy Labor Day and thanks for taking the time to download "Ignorance & Confidence".

A Cheeky Review of Obama's Speech and One Last Plea for Support This Labor Day

Okay:

So, I just got finished watching Obama deliver his speech at the Democratic National Convention. Right now, there are three gray-haired white men breaking his forty-two minute address down sentence by sentence.

Twenty-nine declarations of policy to counter attacks that his promises for change are empty political catch phrases.

Four direct attacks against the George W. Bush presidency.

Nineteen direct attacks against John McCain.

“Eloquent”

“Masterful”

“Poignant”

“Inspiring”

At some point, I imagine Barack is going to walk onto their set, pull his dick out, and they’ll all take turns blowing him.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am, perhaps, the most ardent Barack supporter that I know personally. And I thought his speech, as usual, was absolutely spot-on. He’s a bad motherfucker. And I like the idea of having a bad motherfucker in office. And him being black is just icing on the cake.

And, no, I’m not particularly concerned with the issues. At least, I wasn’t before. But this brother makes me feel like I should care. It seemed, as corny as it sounds, that at certain points he was speaking directly to me.

He talked about people having mountainous student loans that they can’t pay off… Hello!

Increasing wages for educators…Hello!

People not being able to afford their mortgages…Hello!

Driving cars they can’t afford…Hell-fucking-o!

But in all fairness, there were some things that did bother me. So in the interest of being somewhat objective, I will list them in short order.

1. His daughters have their hair pressed. That really bothers me.

2. There’s something funny going on with Michelle’s mouth. I think she may have had her jaw broken before.

3. His suit jacket didn’t have a vent, which I think is a mistake fashion-wise.

4. He did stumble several times, which, as a rapper who must commit hundreds of thousands of words to memory, I find inexcusable.

5. His introductory video was a little white for my tastes. Makes it look like the only black person he knows is his wife.

Other than that, I was absolutely captivated. Makes me wonder what the Republicans are going to say tomorrow. I like the part where he challenged McCain to reframe from attacks against his character and patriotism. They’re gonna have to get really creative to offset the magnitude of this thing. It’s historical.

Even Pat Buchanan said, “This was genuinely outstanding, magnificent…it was beautiful.”

Times they are a’changin’. The oldest, whitest, orneriest conservative in politics had to take his turn licking the black man’s balls.

Maybe McCain will say, “You know what? Fuck it.”

But back to me. This Labor Day I will be posting my third solo album, “Ignorance & Confidence” for free download. I hope you all take a few minutes out of your day to click the link and have a listen.

If you love America, download my album. Because it’s never been about me. It’s about You.


Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA/BIDEN!


“IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE” AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD ON LABOR DAY AT
http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com


Innocent Question: Am I the only one that thinks the cameramen have been ordered to not shoot anymore profiles of Michelle’s booty? I haven’t seen that masterpiece of human flesh in months.

I Piss People Off, Someone Pissed Me Off and the Return of the Sinnerman

Okay:

So, I am well aware that I piss people off all the time. I piss off my mother, my stepfather, my sister, my daughter sometimes, random people on public transit.

Most times, people are not shy about letting me know.

“You are such a fucking asshole!” a friend of mine screamed at me over the phone last week.

“You’re a fairly consistent fuck-up,” my stepfather said to me a few days ago.

I’ve also heard, “You’ve got some nerve.”

And, “Who do you think you are?”

I typically take it with a grain of salt. Consider the source. Respond with something flippant.

This seems to piss people off more than anything else. I’m not sure why though. You piss someone off. They tell you that you pissed them off, in some decidedly unfriendly language. The “f” word and what have you.

Then, when you don’t give a shit, they get really pissed off.

It’s actually quite entertaining. You can watch them authoring an impromptu tell-off, their eyes moving about furiously, veins bulging and whatnot. And when you respond with a smile and a rather casual, “Sorry you feel that way”, there’s an inexplicable, sadistic ecstasy.

At least, that’s the way I see it.

But, occasionally, the tables are turned for me. I’m a fairly even-tempered guy, inexhaustible list of neuroses aside. People rarely piss me off. They annoy me. Wear out their welcomes. Give me the impression that they are of lower intelligence. Offend my sensibilities. But I rarely get pissed.

But when I do―“Whoa Nelly,” as they say.

That brings me to today’s episode. A co-worker of mine, good friend actually, approached me in the hallway and instructed me to begin offering services to some kid who was having trouble adjusting to high school. When I told her it was not my job to counsel freshman having trouble adjusting, she responded that it was indeed my job and insinuated that I did not know exactly what my job is.

Well.

Next thing I knew, we were screaming at each other at the top of our lungs in the middle of the hallway. “Have you ever taken a course in this?” she asked.

“No,” I replied. “But you’re still wrong. And fuck your bullshit class.”

This statement, I realize, retaliatory and immature as it was, is indicative of my general attitude towards everything. That is, if I am confident that I know what I’m doing, an overt suggestion to the contrary is infuriating. The sadness of all this is how fucking typical it is. I felt myself about to blurt out, “Are you trying to tell me how to do my job?!!”

How pathetic is that? I have somehow become someone who takes pride is his work or whatever. This nine-to-five of mine, this gig, this slave, has somehow taken root in my inner-self. So much so as to create feelings. Like a lover.

I’m not happy about this.

But fuck all that. Work is dumb. Back to the art.

As a treat and a bit of an incentive, I am posting my first solo album, “Sinnerman”, for free download. Or maybe it’s not a treat at all. But here goes.

It’s an enjoyable piece. Produced, recorded and engineered entirely by my good friend and Dirty Water cohort, Joe D. I got a couple of good reviews and actually made a small profit on this album. A very small one. It was recorded in 2005 over the course of a few months. It’s unique among my other efforts in that every song that was recorded for the album made it to the final cut. Joe and I usually leave a few songs on the proverbial cutting room floor for one reason or another. But this one was different. We got into a good creative space and everything we did came out great.

I really don’t look at it as a collection of songs, as a result. It’s more like one long song with a lot of movements. Like an opera, but with no narrative. I guess my favorite thing about it is the incredibly wide range of topics. I don’t think I could do anything like it now. Also, I think Joe was able to avoid the pitfalls of the project producer. That is, he was able to create a unique sound for each track. You’d think I had a cadre of beatsmiths working on this thing.
Enjoy. And make sure you remember where to be on Labor Day.


Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA/BIDEN!


“IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE” AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD ON LABOR DAY AT
http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com/


Innocent Question: Am I the only one who gets the occasional pube snag? Doesn’t that shit sting?

Quotables from My Hip and Not So Hip Parents and Some Notes On My Twitter

Okay:

My parents had me late. My father was in his forties. My mother was in her late thirties. My father is a stand-up comedian who never happened. Motherfucker is hilarious. And pretty hip, too.

An example.

My daughter's mother called me the spring of my junior in college and told me she was pregnant. It was an out-of-body experience, to say the least. I knew I couldn't tell my mother, and I didn't for some time, actually. But my father was the first person I thought to call.

"Dad," I said. "I think I may have knocked somebody up."

"Wow," he said. Then he took a deep breath. "Well, if she don't scream, you don't holler."

I didn't know exactly what he meant at the time, but it sure sounded cool. Old school pimp shit. I've always respected old school pimp shit.

My mother, on the other hand, has never been hip. Now don't get me wrong. She is the smartest, most resourceful, classiest, most beautifullest woman I know. She's my mamma. And she's a hell of a cook. Or, as my father used to say, "She can cook a pig in fifteen minutes."

She also sews. Back in the seventies, she used to make her own dresses, and then make my father a tie with the leftover material. I imagine they were very cute.

And she can fix a toilet.

Anyways. My mother's not hip though. I was reminded of this just the other day. A little over 10 years ago, someone taught my mother what "da bomb" means. And ever since then, whenever she wants to sound hip while exclaiming her affinity for something or someone, she says it's "da bomb".

The other day we were discussing my finances, or rather my lack thereof. "401K's are 'da bomb'," she said.

One day we were discussing the national debate over gay marriage. "Gays are 'da bomb'," she said.

"Lactaid is 'da bomb'."

"South Africa is 'da bomb'."

And her latest, "Catholicism is 'da bomb'."

(Apparently, she likes the fact that mass is only one hour, and everyone stays relatively calm.)

She's working on incorporating "off da hook" into her daily vocabulary, but I don't think it's gonna take.

Now I'm going home to finish some mixing on a couple of songs. I need to get final drafts to the producers before the end of the week. Remember where to be at midnight on Labor Day.

I haven't been whoring myself all over the Internet for the past month for nothing. I've got a fucking Twitter account and everything now. Fucking Twitter, man.

My good friend Kelli Anderson of http://sojournals.com had been pestering me for months to sign up. I just didn't like the sound of it.

Twitter.

It sounds like a new nickname for coochie. But I'm glad I did it. Wave of the future, man. Twitter is 'da bomb'.


And those videos again.

Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA/BIDEN!


"IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE" AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD ON LABOR DAY AT
http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com


Innocent Question: Am I the only one who sometimes sprays on the morning's first piss? What's that about when you spray, man? What's going on there?

A Scathing Critique of the Most Popular Videos, A Glowing Tribute to Pink's Latest Effort and an Update on the New Album

Okay:

So, I just came home from my first day of school. It's been a really long day. I woke up around 4:30 for some reason. I guess I was more anxious than I realized. I went to the gym for an hour or so. Then I came back to my apartment and watched MTV for a while.

I used to love MTV when I was a teenager. They played videos all day. It was great. Now it's mostly reality shows, and most of them suck ass. But early, early, early in the morning, when it's still dark out, they still play actual music videos. And when I can wake up early enough, I like to watch. Most of the time, the videos suck just as much as the goddamn reality shows.

There's that fucking Nelly video. Too generic and devoid of soul or creativity to criticize. Then there's a whole lot of Flo Rida, who may or may not own a shirt. And that white prick, Donnie, from "Making The Band 3". But there's so much Diddy in the video it just ends up being funnier than anything else. I mean, from what I can tell, he has a decent voice and the song is not awful, but the ego on Diddy would put Mussolini to shame.

It's kind of like watching a porno movie where the male star keeps talking into the camera, and directing the camera man to give him close ups, as if anyone were there to see him. True, if he were not there things would be pretty boring and perhaps there would be nothing to watch at all. But still, nobody's there to see him, per se.

Then there's this Slipknot video. I can't make any sense of the song. Just a bunch of white boys screaming. But everybody in the band wears these really cool leather masks. They look like psycho killers. I like them.

Then there's the Gym Class Heroes, who look cooler than they sound. The lead vocalist is a half-breed with a pierced septum and those big quarter-sized African earrings. I've always wondered what those people do when they decide that they're over the whole freaky National Geographic thing. If they take those things out, what do their earlobes look like? Are they all nasty and flabby with big holes in them or do they draw back up relatively quickly? I'd like to know the answer before I die. Anyway, the new Gym Class Heroes song sucks. It's called "Cookie Jar" or something like that, and I don't like it. Although I'm sure they're nice people. Even the freaky-looking mulatto.

Cassie, who I had forgotten all about, has a new really stupid song with Lil Wayne in it. Now, don't get me wrong. I like Cassie, as far as marginally-talented skinny light-skinned girls with long hair go. And I like Lil Wayne. But I could take a break from him for a while. What about you?

There were some gems though. John Legend has a new dance track with Andre 3000. They're looking excessively metrosexual in the video, but the song is a stone cold jam. And it's good to see Andre under any circumstances. Motherfucker always brings it. I like the way he always manages to say something truly nasty without making it seem misogynistic. I'd like to live that way.

But my new jammy jam jam is Pink's new single. You heard right. Pink's new single. I don't know what the name of it is, but it's a great fucking song and the video is pretty cool too. As I understand it, she wrote it about her ex-husband and their divorce and he is actually in the video playing her estranged paramour. Now, that is what I call art.

Then I turned off the television, had some private time in front of my computer, put on some coffee, took a shower, shaved, got dressed, and went to work.

I don't remember much else after that. And now, I'm back at my mother's house, using her Internet connection and watching "Rain Man" on OnDemand. I'm waiting for my daughter to get here so I can see how her first day in third grade went.

In "Ignorance & Confidence" news, I just got off the phone with one of the producers, and I think I'll be done with the track listing by tomorrow night. I'm starting to become really enamored with this project. This one has some charm. I know you guys are gonna love it. Make sure you tell all your friends to be here on Labor Day.

And the videos again...

Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA/BIDEN!


"IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE" AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD ON LABOR DAY AT
http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com/


Tip of the Day: Gentlemen, until you are familiar with the power of the flush, do not flush while you are still sitting. It could go bad.

My Latest Vow of Celibacy, Updates on the New Album, and Other Random Unrealistic Promises to Self

Okay:

And so my Internet is still off. I just can't get over the irony of all this. The album drops in a week, and I can't promote it the way I planned. It's all fucked up, man. Somebody out there wants me to fail.

Maybe that someone is me.

Maybe I have sabotaged myself and made it absolutely impossible for me to be successful in this venture. Maybe I secretly want to remain an unknown, frustrated independent artist.

But that's a downer, now isn't it?

In lighter news, I have recommitted myself to celibacy.

You heard me. Celibacy.

I have had it. It's all too complicated. I know some of my regular readers may be laughing their asses off. "You've said this before, Cee Brown," they might be saying. But I'm serious this time.

I've had enough. I'm full. I'm backing away from the table.

"What brings this about?" you ask? I had me what they call an epiphany.

A metaphor, if you will.

I also stopped eating meat recently. I woke up one morning and said, "To hell with all this shit."

Not because I'm some kind of animal-freak or a Buddhist or whatever. I give two shits how many chickens Farmer Joe kills every year. I just decided I wasn't getting anything good out of it anymore. Beef sometimes disagrees with my stomach. Pork is gross. And, chicken...well, chicken is delicious actually. But, dammit, you've gotta take a stand at some point. And so I stopped.

I feel similarly about sex. I don't want another kid. I don't want an STD. And I don't want a girlfriend. Odds are, the more I have sex, the more likely I am to get one of the aforementioned undesirables. So, until further notice, I am closing down the shop.

We may open our doors again one day, but for now, let's just say we're closed for renovations.

In other news, Joe came over this weekend and helped me put the finishing touches on the album. We drank a few beers and put some work in. Now I'm just doing some mixing and trying to finalize the track listing.

I have some more exclusives coming up this week as we draw closer and closer still to Labor Day. The new "Cucumber" video has 42 views so far. The "Love's Holiday" video is at 133.

It's funny, converting art into numbers. But I guess this is something like the celibacy thing. I am also going to be abstaining from poverty for the indefinite future.

I will also be abstaining from beer, which is delicious but chock-full of calories.

And reality television.

And happy hour.

And church.

Here are those videos in case you missed them.

Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA!...AND BIDEN.


"IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE" AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD LABOR DAY AT http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com


Tip of the Day: Gentleman, apparently if you eat pineapples it will improve the taste of your essence and provide for more enthusiasm from your lady during those special moments. You're welcome.

Good Places to Make Dookey, the "Cucumber" Debut and Some Questions on Which to Ponder

Okay:

On Monday the students arrive and I begin my eighth school year in urban education. I've learned a lot and come a long way since I first started teaching six years ago. I could tell you some stories about my first year, but I don't want to incriminate myself (No Kelly).

One thing I do remember about my first teaching job, if you don't mind talking about it, was that I had a great staff bathroom to shit in. It had a lock on the door and a nice clean-looking commode. A little toilet paper lining and I was totally comfortable doing my morning movement before class started.

The place where I worked after that was walking distance from my house, so I usually went home to handle my business. The place after that had a really nice, spacious staff bathroom with potpourri, soft music and an "occupied" light.

Nothing beat my last job though. I was in a seven-story office building that had been converted into a school. The seventh floor, however, was reserved for the executive offices. And up there was the queen mother of all handicapped stalls. A small horse could have given birth in that stall. Sometimes I would just go up there to think. Even if I didn't have to take a shit.

This new place though. Jesus. The staff bathroom is in the teacher's lounge, which makes no sense. People can hear you pee. And it's thirty people sharing that one commode. You can't a shit in there, someone's always waiting right outside the door.

They'll smell you.

I guess the upside is it's just a 5-minute drive from home. I can go home and take a shit on my lunch break. But I shouldn't have to, y'know. I just shouldn't have to.

And on the business tip, 27 views today of my new music video "Cucumber".

And 119 views of "Love's Holiday".

Not too shabby.

Thanks, everybody.

Next week, there will be more treats. So stay tuned.

And, now, some questions on which to ponder this lovely Friday...

1) You can page your lost portable phone. Why can't you page your lost remote control?

2) How come there's no McDonald's delivery service in DC?

3) How come Diddy gets to have so many reality shows?

4)How come so many overweight, middle-aged, out-of-work white actors dye their hair blond? Don't they know they look ridiculous?

5) How come you have to wash your dishes before you put them in the machine?

6) What am I supposed to do with all my VHS tapes?

7) Does anybody else remember those long cardboard boxes they used to put CDs in?

8) Where exactly is "The Internet"?

9) Has anyone else here heard that white people don't put on lotion?

10) Where's Malik Yoba?


Talk amongst yourselves.



Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA!


"IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE" AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD SEPTEMBER 1ST AT
http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com


Tip of the Day: Do not get hot wax on your pubes! It may seem freaky and interesting, but it could go bad.

The Results of My Private Loan Application, Celebrating 100 Views and Running, the Unexpected Pregnancy Disaster Scale and The Leak Continues

Okay:

So, perhaps you're just dying to know what went down last night when I asked my stepfather for a loan. I absolutely HATE the idea of having to borrow money from anyone, especially him, but he is the only person I know who is in a position to help me.

So, what happened?

Turned down cold. Flat. "I don't have it," he said. "Maybe you need to have your water turned off or whatever to learn your lesson."

Maybe he has a point. But if all I was worried about was having my water turned off, I wouldn't have come to him in the first place.

Oh well.

Smart money says you should always have a contingency. Not that I have one. But I'm definitely working on one.

Yessir. I'm working on it.

So, in much lighter news, I reached the 100 views mark with the "Love's Holiday" video today on YouTube.

That's 100 views in 3 days, folks. Thank you for all your support. A special thank you to my homeboy Brian, who has been playing it for everyone he knows. Then he calls me to tell me about it. "Yo, Cee Brown, I'm over here with such and such and we just watched your video, yo. Shit's bananas, B. The shit is fresh."

"Thanks, Brian."

"I'm tellin' everybody, B. Then I'mma call you and tell you I told them and let you talk to them so they know it's real."

Brian, I've always said, could sell an asshole to a buttcrack. He has truly missed his calling. He should've been a Jewish television executive.

But in all seriousness, he's a good friend and a big thank you is in order. So, thanks, Brian.

On a personal note, the cute girl at my job gets dumber and cuter everyday. It's really quite amazing. I've never seen anything like it. I'm waiting to see where this is going though. Dumb has never bothered me before, but now it just looks like a big red flag. I keep thinking, "What if she got pregnant?"

I never used to think that. But now, it's, like, the first question that pops in my head. "How big of a disaster would it be if this woman got pregnant with my child?"

On an escalating scale, I'd put her at about a 6. Definitely undesirable and depressing to think about, but not catastrophic.

Fellas, where would you rate your lady? Ladies, where would you rate your man? Call it, the Unexpected Pregnancy Disaster Scale. I'd say that anything over a 4 means you probably shouldn't be sleeping with that person.

Still, how sick is that though? As a preliminary criteria? I think I need a vacation.

Or a really good beejay.


Oh yeah. I didn't forget. Today is Thursday, and, as promised, THE LEAK CONTINUES...

Let me know what you think. I actually made this one before "Love's Holiday". Hope ya like it.


Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA!


"IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE" AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD SEPTEMBER 1ST AT
http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com


Tip of the Day: Beware the corner of the condom wrapper.

Notes on the Hokey and Spectacular Films of the 80s, Cee Brown Swallows His Pride and Other Miscellany

Okay:

So, my Internet is still off. I'm writing today's blog from my mother's house. She's got OnDemand, and right now I'm watching "RoboCop". I used to love this movie. For an eighties flick, it's held up remarkably well in terms of enjoyability. Most of the movies from that curious decade, John Hughes and all that, are painfully asinine when I watch them now.

I was watching "My Stepmom's An Alien" the other day. Completely ridiculous. Kim Bassinger, Dan Ackroyd, Jon Lovitz and a fucking talking purse. Even "The Breakfast Club", as blasphemous as it may sound, seems a little hokey now. Iconic as the character was and is, Judd Nelson is actually pretty hard to watch in my late twenties. All full of melodramatic teenage angst. It's painful.

But it's not like every 80s movie sucked. There was "Revenge of the Nerds", which is still fucking hilarious. "Karate Kid", "The Last Dragon" and "Purple Rain".

"The Lost Boys" is nostalgic for me on a whole 'nother level. Me and my cousins used to watch it over and over again. We couldn't get enough of it. And the ending! Jesus, the ending! There has never been a better ending in cinematic history. I'll stand by the statement against anyone who has a different opinion. The grandfather knew all along! The whole time he was pretending to be a crazy old coot, but he knew all along. Genius.

Then there was "Weird Science", which began my short-lived obsession with Kelly LeBrock. Me and Gill were just talking about this flick the other day. Both of us agreed that it was absolutely ridiculous, regardless of how geeky they were, that neither one of those motherfuckers tried to fuck her. Even in that shower scene. Other than that, it's another two thumbs up for old John Hughes.

Then there were the less notables like "Just One of the Guys", which was the only PG-13 movie I've ever seen with full frontal nudity. Remember the tit-flashing scene at the end? And isn't it a little gay for them to have ended up dating? I mean, up until a few weeks ago you thought she was a dude. Your best friend, in fact. She kisses you and shows you her tits and you figure, "Hey, might as well give it a shot."

Supergay.

Then there's "The Legend of Billie Jean", which got horrible reviews and grossed a paltry $3.5 million, seems like it might be fun to watch now. And that movie where they used to sing that song "Top That". Remember that one?

The dude would go "Top thaaaat. Uh, top thaaaat."

And the chick would go, "I don't really give a...about tryin'na top that."

And they would keep going back and forth like that. It was cute. I liked that one too.

So, anyways. "Robocop" is still good. They're blowing up all kinds of shit and laughing maniacally. And then there's the "I'd buy that for a dollar" guy. He's still funny.

Enough nostalgia.

Back to the present. My Internet is still off and being over here makes me want to get OnDemand. I gotta get my hands on some more dough somehow.

Oooooh. And there goes toxic waste guy. I forgot about this part. This is so cool. Remember how in the 80s, everyone was all preoccupied with toxic waste? Whatever happened to toxic waste anyways? And the fucking wales? Remember the goddamn wales? Did we save them or what? Like, what happened?

Okay, so back to my money problems. I have made a decision. It's time to ask for help. I was inspired by something I read today or some other day. "A wise man knows when to ask for help."

Or something like that.

Anyway, I'm going to ask my stepfather for a loan.

I know. I know. I know.

I hate doing it. And he may or may not say yes. This will be the second time I've come to him for money.

Oh shit. The bad guy just fell out of the window. Dropped like thirty stories. Remember in the 80s how the bad guy always ended up falling from a tall building in the end? It was a pretty common demise for the antagonist. Why was Hollywood so obsessed with those falling shots? Even today with the advanced computer graphic stuff, they still can't make it look real.

Okay, back to the money. So, I still haven't paid him all of his money back from the loan I took off him a year ago. And I'm concerned that this may make him feel uncomfortable about loaning me the money. But the worst thing he can say is no. So I'm gonna swallow my pride and give it a shot. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes.

An update on my crush: She said something really stupid today. Her stock is falling.

An update on the "Love's Holiday" video: 86 views and counting.

The Leak Continues this Thursday. Stay tuned.


Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA!


"IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE" AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD SEPTEMBER 1ST AT
http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com


Tip of the Day: Apparently, lifting your buttcheek to fart makes it louder, which is considered uncouth in certain circles.

Reaction to Lukewarm Video Response, Fighting with the Fascists at RCN and Scant Details On My New Work Crush

Okay:

58 views on the "Love's Holiday" video last time I checked YouTube. Here it is again in case you missed it.

My homeboy called me and told me he loved it and a few people left comments on some Ning sites. But I'm not satisfied. I need to be showered, no, bombarded with praise in order to feel good about all this.

So, I get home today, and low and behold, my Internet has been disconnected. No, it's not a felled power line. No there isn't something wrong with the tower or the satellite or where ever the hell the Internet comes from.

I am three months behind on my bill.

I don't know when I'll be able to pay them. I have a much larger bill called rent which is taking precedence this pay period. This broke shit is for the fucking birds!!!

I have gotta sell me some records, man.

I don't know. Maybe this is what they mean when they say things will get worse before they get better. Maybe I'll be telling all this shit to Conan O'Brien. I sure hope so.

Am I the only one who does imaginary dialogues with talk show hosts when he's home alone? I've been doing it since I was 8.

Weird kid.

By the way. The people at RCN are pure pricks. I called them to see if I could get on a payment plan.

"How about a payment plan?" I asked.

"I don't think so. We don't really do that here," replied the shockingly cold white girl on the other end.

"May I talk to a manager then?" I asked.

"You could. But there's really no point. He's just gonna tell you the same thing I just told you. We do not under any circumstances do payment plans. Your disconnection date is the 17th."

"But I need the Internet. I write a daily blog, and I have, like 3 dozen readers who'll be heartbroken if I don't post every morning. They might call the police and file, like, a missing person's report."

"That's too bad, sir. Your disconnection date is the 17th. Are you gonna be able to pay?"

"No, ma'am."

"Well, is that all then?"

Cold-hearted sons of bitches. True to their word, which is commendable. But sons of bitches nonetheless.

Where do they get off charging for the Internet anyway? It's the information super highway. Anything I want to know, I can find out in seconds. Shit like this shouldn't be a privilege of the wealthy. It should be free, goddammit.

Fucking faggot RCN fascist motherfuckers.

It's fucking George Bush and his goddamn war, and the fucking No Child Left Behind stupid law, insane gas prices, and what have you, fucked up economy, and I'm about to start selling crack.

Know what I'm saying?

In all seriousness, this couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm supposed to drop an Internet-Only album in 2 weeks, and I don't have any fucking Internet. This has got to be some kind of message from God. I just don't have any fucking clue what he's trying to say.

"Become more fiscally responsible, my son."

Thanks a lot, God. I get it. Now use your magic Jesus powers to turn my fucking Internet back on.

In lighter news, I think I have a crush on the girl at work. We don't have anything in common and she's four years younger than me, but she's really cute and her body is amazing. Maybe I'll give it a shot. I'm like 0 for 3 this year in crush pursuance. I'm due for a W.

I'll keep you posted.

"The Leak" continues this Thursday, so make sure you're here to get the exclusive.


Thanks for reading.


GOBAMA!

"IGNORANCE & CONFIDENCE" AVAILABLE SEPTEMBER 1ST FOR FREE DOWNLOAD AT
http://coolceebrown.blogspot.com/


Tip of the Day: Don't fuck with RCN. They're ruthless cunts.

New Music Video, Details on My Lost Weekend, and a Lengthy Lamentation on Temporary American Poverty

Okay:

Ever heard of John Lenon's "lost weekend"? Well, this was my lost weekend, except I wasn't off with my wife-approved mistress somewheres. I was at home alone, working to promote the new album. Also, I am flat broke, so I couldn't leave my apartment even if I wanted to.

You've heard the term "flat broke" before. I know I have. But I'm just now coming to understand exactly what it means. Of course, as a citizen of the world, I have some perspective. I'm not Rio de Jinero broke. I'm not Johannesburg broke. I'm in that unique state of temporary American poverty. I'll have some money soon. Payday's Friday. And I have some checks coming in from some contract writing. But for the time being, I'm confined to my quarters and relegated to the surprisingly fun task of making meals out of, what they call in the restaurant business, side items.

Tonight's meal: Tuna Salad, Vegetarian Beans and Apple Sauce. Accompanied by one ice cold glass of Arcadia Spring Water. (The gallon has to last me the whole week). I think it's actually going to be quite tasty.

Luckily, my daughter is out of town with her grandmother and aunt. I would hate for her to see me in this pathetic state. I haven't brushed my teeth since Friday, and, pardon my candor, but I can smell my own balls.

But it has been a productive two days. I finished editing the video for the first leaked track from the new album. Check it out.

Pretty cool if I may say so myself, and it didn't cost me a dime. Just a few hours in front of the computer. Which, however, according to my sister the stock broker, can be monetized into a specific dollar amount using a simple formula.

I did some other things. I vacuumed the living room and did the dishes. I discovered that there is no real way to keep a white trash can looking sanitary and promised myself I would go stainless steel as soon as I get some financial slack. I also need new break pads, a welcome mat, a new shower curtain, a new driver's side view mirror, electric clippers, an ironing board and a new mount for my front license plate which fell off some time last year.

Oh, and I would like a wine rack and some bottles to go in it.

And a new set of pots and pans. And a cooking apron.

And I'd like to have the upholstery in my car cleaned. And have all the nicks and dents bumped out.

A pull up bar for my bedroom and those push-up twisty disc thingies.

And a pair of red cowboy boots.

And some new suits. I'm over the loose fit. I want something that's gonna make me look skinny and well-traveled.

And I want a briefcase and a laptop with wi-fi.

And a pony.


Thanks for reading.

Tip of the Day: Never have sex in the bathroom at the Johnny Rockets in Georgetown. The management really frowns upon that sort of thing. Trust me.

Postscript: The Leak Continues later this week, so stay tuned.

A Short and Bitter Rant About The Album Leak Feedback or Lack Thereof, Musings on the Unsolicited Beejay and More Video Footage

Okay:

So, no feedback on "The Leak", huh? I could interpret that as disinterest or indifference, which would certainly be discouraging. Or I could interpret as politeness. That is, the song was so horrible you all have chosen to say nothing whatsoever, as opposed to giving your honest criticism, which could cause irreparable damage to my fragile narcissistic ego. Or I could interpret your collective silence as awe. As in, the track was so good, you all are speechless, or typeless or whatever they call it when you don't have anything to say on the Internet.

Or maybe you just got distracted by the videos and all the other linkage in yesterday's blog.

So, let's take a moment to concentrate on the music.

It's called "Love's Holiday" and it's really good.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Feedback is MANDATORY. Otherwise, I'll come through the Internet and get you.

In other news, I'd like to talk about something nasty. So, be forewarned.

Ladies, what's up with the unsolicited blowjob?

I'm not talking about your man coming home from a hard day's work and you serving him without him having to ask. I'm talking about some guy you know. The time was right. The wine was right. So, you felt compelled.

I've had one or two in my day. They're always surprising. I understand why we men do it (unsolicited cunnilingus, that is). We think if we do a good job we might get sex afterwards. It's kind of high school, but I think most men still employ the technique when trying to break the sexual ice. Even now, it still has about a 70% success rate.

But I'm curious as to why a desirable, intelligent woman would be so...aggressive, shall we say, as to initiate this unprovoked. Especially when everyone knows you could just as easily get sex without the foreplay from pretty much any man.

Now, I certainly don't mean to discourage you. If the mood hits you, feel free. Thing is, I just would like an explanation of this surprisingly widespread phenomenon.

Is it a self-esteem thing? Or is it a matter of passion? You find a man so incredibly attractive in that purely sexual way that you just have to, must, need to handle his business for him.

Again.

Glory, Hallelujah! I think it's a great idea. And I don't think a mature man would look at you differently afterwards. Not in a bad way, at least. I'm just curious as to what you think you're going to "get out of it", other than the obvious.

And now...more footage from the Dirty Water show at the Black Cat with The Els doing another rendition of a hip hop classic.

Thanks for reading.


Download the new Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Tip of the Day: Ladies, don't spit. It's disrespectful. Either go hard or don't bother.

The Album Leak Officially Begins, Stories About My Little Pecker and Faux Democracy

Okay:

So, after hours of deliberation I have finally decided on an album title.

Drumroll, please...

"Ignorance & Confidence"

I know. I know. I know. This title was not in the poll at all. I assure you I did not already have this title in mind before polling began. But seeing as how only 20 people voted, 57% of which voted for "Claude Have Mercy", which was perhaps my least favorite title (sorry, Joe), I decided to brainstorm on some new ideas.

"Ignorance & Confidence" comes from a Mark Twain quote: "To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

Twain is one of my favorite authors, gratuitous use of the "n" bomb aside, and this quote, I think, really speaks to my current state of mind.

And I finished the cover...




I decided to go with the Kanye photo (taken by my good, good friend Kelli Anderson of http://sojournals.com). The track listing is pretty upbeat, and I think this cover keeps in line with the overall feel. Metrosexuality reluctantly admitted.

This is despite the fact that most of you seemed to like the dark photo with all the forehead in it. So, I guess this is an all around, old fashioned fake me out. Sort of like the 2000 presidential election.

I apologize for this deception, but I did it in your best interests. In the interest of freedom, democracy and the preservation of American values.

And now for another very short, humorous anecdote.

Once when I was little I put cologne on my junk. My mamma had to wash it off for me.

That's all I have today.

Oh...and once, when I was very little, I slammed my pecker in the toilet lid. Which is impressive, I guess. If you look at it a certain way.

Okay, that's it.

Enjoy today's vlog. A short documentary on a day in the life of my 9 to 5 alter ego. Nothing interesting happens. But it is kind of funny.

And, as promised...The Album Leak.

This track is called "Love's Holiday". It was produced by Joe D, with some vocal assistance from my homegirl Moon of The Uninterrupted Band, and a guitar solo from my buddy John Lee.

Only half a handful of people have heard this track so far, including the people who helped me record it. So, this is an official exclusive.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN.

Let me know what you think, but be gentle. As you know, I am very sensitive.


Thanks for reading.


Download the new Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Tip of the Day: If you're a teacher, never shit in the student bathroom. No matter what the circumstances. They'll catch you and make you pay.

A Preface to The Album Leak, Sparse Pubic Hair and More Video Footage

Okay:

So, this is the last day to vote for your favorite album title. After today, I'm shutting down the poll and choosing a winner. Hopefully, it will be ready for download by the first of September.

After I make a decision on the album title, I'm gonna need you guys to help me choose a lead single. I'm going to begin "the leak" tomorrow, so make sure you give the new tracks a listen.

Also, I'm going back into syndication. I'll be posting on several Ning sites now as well as Blogger. Most especially, you'll be able to find me at http://blackbroadway-online.com (my label's site) and http://sojournals.com (my homegirl Kelli's social networking site) and http://liberatedmuse.ning.com (my BFF Khadijah's site). Among others. Time to spread these wings back out and get this thing cracking full throttle.

And now for a humorous anecdote from my traumatic childhood...

But first, an embarrassing confession. I'm not a hairy man. I do have extremely hairy legs, which is weird, but the rest of me is pretty smooth. And perhaps you see where this is going already.

So, I grew pubes kind of late.

I didn't have a full covering until I was fifteen or so. Before then it was like a chemo patient's head down there. Not even peach fuzz, you know. Just a few scragglies here and there, which was even more pathetic. I was very insecure about it. Not that I was going around showing everyone my pubes, or checking out everyone else's, but I was fairly certain that things were moving slowly for me down there.

So, one summer I went to see my pediatrician for a check up before school started. My pediatrician was a very pretty, older black woman. Now, I'm not sure if they do this to little boys anymore or not, but when I was younger your doctor would grab you by the balls and tell you to cough.

So, it was drop drawers time. Only, I was in no condition for a forty year-old woman to be seeing my junk. And perhaps the ladies need some explanation here. See, when you first start getting erections, they happen at random. You don't necessarily need to be aroused or anything. It just happens.

So my little soldier was at attention for whatever reason. I mean, my doctor was pretty, but I just don't think that was it. I think he was just, like, curious. Like, "I don't ever remember being in here before. This is new. What's going on in here, man. Let me check it out."

So, I dropped my drawers and there he was. Boing yoing yoing yoing!

I expected her to shriek in horror, and tell me to get dressed immediately, but instead she was like, "Well, hello there." Smiling.

"I see someone's wide awake today. Impressive."

I could've died. I could've bludgeoned myself to death with my own boner.

"Ohhh, and I see we have a little grass growing on the field too. Oh, that's gonna come in real thick and nice. Are you excited?"

If you've got a pediatrician story to top that, I'd like to hear it.


And my new vlog (8-12-08)...



I can fit a white grape in my nostril.

And part 2 of Dirty Water at The Black Cat...



That's my pretty white shirt that I was blogging about.


Make sure you read tomorrow when "The Leak Begins..."


Thanks for reading.


Download the new Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced Du)


GOBAMA!


Tip of the Day: Never braid your pubes. It could go bad.

Random Ramblings, A Short Double Eulogy and Video Footage

Okay:

So, there's a few things to talk about today...and a few things to watch. Number one, I figured out what it is with the metrosexual thing. It's not that I'm a metrosexual. I'm just an elitist. Which fits better with my self-concept.

For example, my boss was trying to hook me up with our temporary receptionist. Cute girl. Body for days. So, I wasn't entirely disinterested. I was complaining to the two of them that I desperately need some new suits because I no longer like how the ones I have are tailored.

"Where do you shop?" asked the girl.

"Depends on how much money I have," I responded with a smile.

"I was just asking because Steve Harvey has a new line of suits out now. And, you know, he always looks nice," she said.

Well, I didn't hear anything she said after that. Any woman who thinks I'm the kind of guy who would be caught dead in one of those oversized geechie zoot suits must be out of her mind.

Big sis, if you're reading this, take note that if I die tomorrow and you guys go broke paying off my debt and can't afford to bury me properly and some sympathetic geechie reads about it somewhere and donates a Steve Harvey suit, bury me naked.

So that was that.

Then there was the Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes tragedies this weekend. Both of those brothers were immensely talented and will be sorely missed by the entertainment industry. But I guess I'm getting to the age where I can count on this shit happening more and more often. I'm sure it was happening when I was younger. I remember someone being, like, "Oh, my God, Miles Davis just died!"

And I remember being, like, "Who in the fuck is Miles Davis and why is everybody trippin?"

Of course, now I realize how inexcusable my blasphemy was, but I was young and innocent then and had not yet discovered "Sketches of Spain" or "Kind of Blue".

When I told my daughter that Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes had died this weekend, she was similarly unaffected and changed the subject swiftly by insisting on knowing whether or not we were going to make it to the playground before nightfall.

And in other news...

I've got video footage from the Dirty Water show at The Black Cat earlier this year.



I separated it into 6 parts, so this is just a teaser really. And this is my first attempt at vlogging.



The shadows are distracting, I guess. But I like shadows. You see me getting tech savvy over here, right? Respect my Geek.

If you're reading this at work and they've blocked YouTube or your computer sucks, you can see the footage at my YouTube channel when you get home or to a computer that doesn't suck. http://youtube.com/coolceebrown.

Also, the show I did a few weeks ago with my good friends the Motel band, at The Capital Hip Hop Soul Fest organized by my good friends Khadijah and Maceo of Liberated Muse Productions, someone shot a short feature story on it and posted it on http://think.mtv.com/




Isn't that cool? I'll post more soon.


Thanks for reading.


Download the new Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single, "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Tip of the Day: When pissing in alleys, always piss downhill.

The Natural Escalation of Recreational Expenditures for Children

Okay:

So, parenthood, as all you parents know, is full of shocking discoveries. Your child is constantly surprising you with the things they pick up, and my daughter, precocious little gem that she is, is certainly no exception.

I can remember riding in my father's car when I was her age. My mother had made it very clear that anything along the lines of toys and what have you, I was to ask my father. My father, a poor and rather old-fashioned man, was generally caught off guard by the kind of shit that came out of my mouth.

"Dad, will you buy me a Turbo Grafx 16?"

"A Turbo what?"

"A Turbo Grafx 16. It's a new game system. Miles has one."

"I don't give a damn what Miles has. Plus, I just bought you a Nintenduh last year."

My father was very good at waiting until the last possible minute to buy me anything pricey. When I asked him for a Starter coat, it took him almost a year to give in. By the time I got one, people had stopped wearing them. Which really pissed him off. "You mean to tell me that I bought you a $100 coat and now you don't want to wear it anymore?"

"Nobody wears Starter coats anymore, Dad. I asked you for this last year."

"Well, goddammit, a $100 coat ain't never supposed to go out of style. I never heard of such a thing. My father never bought me new coat, much less a $100 coat. I wore my older brother's coat when he outgrew it and it wasn't even up for discussion. I didn't really care either. Everyone had on their older brother's coat. Now put on the goddamn coat!"

"Yes, Dad."

I got used to it after a while and learned to expect these kinds of responses from him. I am similar with my daughter. Sometimes she'll begin a question then stop herself. "Oh, nevermind. I know you're going to say no anyways."

So, back to the Turbo Grafx 16.

"This system is different, Dad. It's got 16 bit graphics. It makes the Nintendo look like Atari."

"What the hell is a bit and why should I care?"

"The more bits you have, the better it looks."

"Mm hmm. You ain't had that Nintenduh a good year and already you want something else. If I had known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have bought it for you in the first place."

"Well, I still need it. Turbo Grafx 16 has different games. They don't have, like, Zelda or Ninja Gaiden."

"So now I gotta buy you a bunch of different games?"

"It only comes with one."

"Jesus Christ! Well, how much does it cost?"

"One hundred fifty dollars."

"So it costs more than the Nintenduh?"

"It's got 16 bit graphics. Nintendo is 8 bit."

"I don't wanna hear nothing else about no goddamn bits...and where the hell is that goddamn Atari anyway. I guess you don't play with that anymore either."

So, back to the present.

I'm riding along with my daughter in the backseat and she says, "Do you know what you should get me, Daddy?"

"What's that, honey?"

"You should get me a laptop."

"A laptop?"

"One with Internet access, so I can go to icarly.com."

"Internet access?"

"Yep. And a color printer, so I don't have to use my paints all the time."

I took a deep breath. "We'll see, honey. We'll see."


Thanks for reading.


Download the Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Postscript: My mother ended up buying me a Sega Genesis, which I had to have after I heard they were putting out the Michael Jackson "Moonwalker" game. It ended up being a far better choice. Turbo Grafx 16, as you know, went out of production less than 2 years later. But "Moonwalker", sadly, was the last video game my parents ever bought me.

A JPG Is Worth 1,000 Downloads

Okay:

So, like, my homeboy and business partner Gill taught me how to use Photoshop earlier this year. I'm still an amateur, for the most part. All I really know how to do is doctor up a photo.

Yesterday, I posted about trying to chose a title for my new album. I put a poll in the right hand column of my BlogSpot page. So, if you're comment shy, but you have some suggestions, you can cast your vote here. If you're reading this on my MySpace page, make sure you visit me at coolceebrown.blogspot.com to cast your vote.

So, back to the Photoshop thing. I've posted some doctored photos as potential covers for the new album. I've airbrushed out blemishes, razor bumps and the like, added some diffuse glow and what have you. I don't look anything like this in person actually. I'm a lot uglier than you may think I am. I'm really into shadows and drama, so consider that when making your suggestions. There are only three here. If any of you are artists and want some pro bono work, feel free to snatch the pics up and work your magic or send me something original.



I took this photo myself, actually. At my house with my digital camera. I like the darkness, the mood, the shadows, but I think it may not necessarily communicate the tone of the music, which is decidedly upbeat this time around.

I liked it for a while, and so did Joe D. But now I can't stop staring at my nose, which takes up like 40% of the picture. Then my forehead takes up another 40%. And the shadows look really unnatural. But, I still like the overall feel.



I also took this photo myself. It's probably my least favorite of the three. It makes me look meaner than I actually am. I am mean. Just not this mean. This guy looks like a terrorist who got rejected by Al-Qaeda for being over zealous. I like the colors though. And the sweaty look.

But again, there's that schnoz of mine hogging all the light. Fucking thing is like a little fetus on my face. I tried to crop it out, but it just looked weird. But like I said, I love the warm hues here. I think I went overboard with pupil doctoring though.



This is my personal favorite right now. My good, good homegirl, Kelli, took the picture. Visit her at sojournals.com (shameless plug). It best represents where I am emotionally right now. Despite my very serious money problems, I'm still in a great mood for some reason.

But it almost looks too happy. Which I'm not sure is a good look for me. I don't wanna be the happy rapper. Those guys don't get any respect.

You may hate all of these, but it's all I have for now. Let me know which one captures your eye. Again, if you want to lend a helping hand, it is much appreciated.

Thanks for all your help guys. Your comments have been great.



Thanks for reading.


Download the Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Postscript: I will be posting some of the new tracks next week, but you all will have to promise to keep it under your hat. It's some exclusive shit.

What's In A Name?

Okay:

So, like, I have a home recording studio now. I bought a new computer back in February, as my regular readers know, and then I went out and bought ProTools software, an interface, a set of speakers, and a microphone. Which, low and behold, is all you really need. There are other fancy amenities that will improve your sound quality, but I'm satisfied with what I have for now. And considering my current financial situation, I don't think I'll be upgrading in this decade. For that matter, I don't plan on buying any new underwear any time soon either.

So, I hooked up with a handful of producers who have been emailing me beats and I have been recording at break-neck speed. We're talking Pac status here, ladies and gentlemen. Well, not quite Pac status. I'm told that in his last days he was recording at least one song a day. Stockpiling, basically. I'm at about one or two songs a week, which puts the total at well over 20. Closer to 30, actually.

I only know one other person, personally, who records compulsively like this. And that's my good friend, W. Ellington Felton, who puts out 3 or 4 albums a year.

It's a weird little affliction, I think.

As you know, I've been researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder for the past few days. Granted, I'm hardly qualified to make a diagnosis, but I think I've got that shit bad. One of the "symptoms", if that's what they're called, is compulsive productivity. Someone with this disorder feels the need to constantly create, risking quality for quantity, because they crave the instant gratification of a finished product. That would also explain how I've been able to keep up with this daily blog.

This may or may not be a good thing, guys.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, who reads my blog regularly. She was like, "I love your blog. One or two times I actually laughed out loud."

The average person probably would have taken it as a compliment. But I was thinking, Just one or two times? Does that mean the rest of them sucked? There's almost 200of them!

Another symptom is the need for acceptance from peers. I can't tell you how disheartening it is to wake up in the morning to check on my blog and find my comment box empty. (hint-hint).

Long story short, I am planning on releasing a new album soon. Possibly next month. Because of my money woes, it will only be available here for a while, and then I'll see if I can get me some digital distribution. I am expecting you ALL to download it. Even you "lurkers" who never leave comments.

In all seriousness, lurker or active participant, I am requesting your help with something very important. I need a title. I came up with some pretty cool names for my last two albums, "Sinnerman" and "Magnificent Bastard". I'm looking to continue in the same theme, but more cleverer.

I have a few ideas in mind.


A GORGEOUS KILLER. I like the dichotomy, but I'm worried about the connotation. I don't want anybody thinking I'm some sort of gangster rapper or something.

THE DEVILUTION OF CLAUDE NADIR. I liked the Robin Thicke album and loved the title. It's kind of my own creative twist on that concept and a commentary on my social, emotional and spiritual regression over the years.

THE BASTARD RETURNS. I plan on including a few remixes of tracks from my last album "Magnificent Bastard", which would make it kind of like a sequel.


That's all I've got for now. Maybe you like these and maybe you have some ideas of your own. If you are so inclined, post a comment with your vote or original title.

You'll be helping me out a bunch.


Thanks for reading.


Download the Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Postscript: I was also considering "The Fight in the Dog" for a while, but I eventually decided against it. But if you dig it, I'll throw it back in the pot.

What Did You Call Me?

Okay:

So, the other day I got into an argument with a friend of mine. As you know, I am an asshole, and it's not entirely uncommon for me to get into arguments with my friends. But this time, it was different. Usually I'm just bored and I feel like being confrontational or contrary. But, I think I may have been truly insulted.

She called me the "M" word.

For the record, I've been a snazzy dresser for a while. Back before Andre 3000 and Kanye West made it trendy, I had my own style. Ask anyone who's known me for a while.

Also, I have always taken great pride in my grooming. I'm not what I would call meticulous, but I do pay attention to things like facial hair and nail length. You know. The basics. What kind of dirty motherfucker doesn't?

And I have eclectic tastes in art. I love musicals. But I do not plan on seeing Mama Mia. Looks cheesy. I have fastidious tastes in furniture. I wouldn't be caught dead with a black leather sofa or a glass coffee table. Even if someone was giving it to me for free. I'd rather have no furniture at all. Lawns chairs and a trunk with a mud cloth draped over it would be more charming.

I once went to pick a woman up from her house and realized after looking at her furniture that we could never be serious. She had a nice home, but it looked like a goddamn furniture store show room. You're not supposed to buy the fucking knick knacks and shit. You collect those things over time, with intent and care. You don't just buy a fucking living room starter kit from Marlo. Everyone knows that.

But I digress.

These days all this means I'm what they call a Metrosexual.

If you ask a woman she'll tell you that a Metrosexual is a straight man with taste. But we men know it means closet fag.

When I look at Kanye West, or Diddy, I can see how the term can be justifiably applied. Not that I think either man is gay. But the difference between them and me is, they are vain, almost to an effeminate point. I'm not vain at all, actually. I'm neurotic and narcissistic. To the untrained eye, it seems similar. But there's a huge difference.

I, for example, could very easily slip into I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck mode if some other aspect of my life is taking precedence over personal appearance. As long as it's about me, it can hold my attention indefinitely. I could go weeks without shaving or cutting my nails or getting a haircut, which, I imagine, would be a big no-no for a true Metrosexual.

So I told her to go fuck herself.


Thanks for reading.


Download the Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Postscript: Let's try to come up with a better label for me. Any suggestions?

In The Beginning...

Okay:

So, when did you realize you were a freak?

If you are, that is. But I'm imagining that if you read this blog on a regular basis, you probably are. I can't really recall when I figured it out. All I know is that I woke up one morning and I could not stop thinking about sex. Then I got my first taste, and it was all downhill from there.

Perhaps I can trace it back to when we first got cable and I discovered a program called "Red Shoe Diaries" on Showtime. It was a soft-softcore drama. At any rate, before the episode was over someone was going to end up fucking. And I used to stay up late to catch it, sitting on the edge of my bed, waiting for the raunch to begin with a blank VHS tape in the VCR ready to go.

Then there was "Real Sex" on HBO. Sometimes they would have really good episodes with exposes on strip clubs or Vegas call girls or whatever. Most of the time it was old people trying to put the spice back into their lives. Going on all nude island retreats and whatnot. It was hit or miss with that show.

Then there was Video Music Jukebox and those wonderful Luke videos. "You Go Girl", "It's Your Birthday", "Pop That Coochie", etc. I may have ordered a video or two, but I was always able to convince my mother that the phone company had made a mistake. For the most part though, I just waited for some other sucker to spend his dollar, with my finger on the record button.

And then there was a show specific to the DC area called "Metro World". It came on public access, and there may have only been a half dozen episodes. Anyways, for you out-of-towners, it was a very popular show that showcased local go-go bands and videotaped their shows. Not that I didn't enjoy the music, but I certainly found the dancers far more entertaining. Most of the bands performed with strippers. And not the I'm-working-my-way-through-college exotic dancers. I'm talking freaked-out whores here. You heard about the Rare Essence Splash Party tape. It was on Oprah.

Northeast Groovers were my favorite at the time. They had a dance duo called Sunshine and Juicy.

I was a little obsessed. If you know any brothers from DC, ask them about Sunshine and Juicy. They'll probably stare off into the distance in nostalgic bliss. They were goddesses!

I would make video mixtapes of my little erotic snippets, using an extra VCR and the pause button. Most hip hop producers will tell you they made their first beats using this method with audio tapes. But I wasn't interested in making beats. I needed jerk-off material.

But I suppose I was ruined before all this, if I'm honest. When I was still in elementary school I went to a classmate's sleepover. He was a white boy and his mother's boyfriend drove a Lamborghini.

Anyways. When it got good and late he put in a video tape. The label, if I'm remembering correctly said, "Indiana Jones". But there was no Harrison Ford in this flick. The music started playing. Some stereotypical eighties porn jazz-funk. Then the title flashed across the screen: "In The Jeans".

Then there was a woman with a dick in her mouth.

I couldn't believe it!

I was in complete shock. Though I tried not to show it. I almost couldn't watch. I was filled with the funniest feeling. I didn't understand it then, but later I learned that it was called "horny".

And I've been all fucked up ever since.


What about you?


Thanks for reading.


Download the Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Postscript: I wouldn't own my first hardcore pornographic film until 8 years later. I don't remember what it was called, but Ron Hightower and Kira were in it...Yes, I know their names.

Three's A Crowd

Okay:

So, I went to my homeboy's baby shower this weekend. He found out he's having a boy a few months ago, and he is literally beaming with pride. The motherfucker was glowing.

His lady is beautiful and pregnant, due in couple of months.

I was sitting there with my daughter, peeping out the scene. At one point I leaned over to him and said, "There are a lot of fine women in here, man."

He laughed. "What about that one?" I asked.

"Married," he said.

Then his lady leaned in. "Happily married," she said.

"Well, what about that one?" I asked.

"Also, married," he said.

Once again I had found myself in that most curious of worlds where everyone is either married or pregnant, or toting around a newborn. They all look tired. But happy nonetheless.

Thing is, I don't want any parts of it. None whatsoever. In fact, for the past few months I've been seriously considering having a vasectomy. I don't like the idea of an unexpected pregnancy, me being completely out of the loop and subject to the whims of another person with a different agenda. I'd probably try to drive off a bridge or something.

If I got the bread and I can find a doctor who'll do it, I'm getting myself fixed. End of story. I've got to do my research though. If it's going to change my situation in the nether region in some negative way, then fuck all that.

I guess what I really want to know is whether or not it's going to change the consistency of my spunk. Is it going to go all clear and watery? I feel like that wouldn't be a good look. Like, a chick might me all, "What's wrong with your love gravy? It's a little on the thin side."

But suppose if that's the only negative side effect, I could live with it. Long as I still have projectile action. I don't want the leaky faucet or the dry heave. Like a gasping fish or something.

Don't get my wrong. I love my daughter. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. Without her, I'd be an even bigger mess than I am right now. But I'm clearly not cut out for this shit, and we both know it. Sometimes I catch her shaking her head in pity, like, "Poor guy. He's trying."

But another one? That'd be like John Kerry making another run at the presidency. He was all we had at the moment, but everybody knew he wasn't up to the task.

My whole life was flashing before my eyes in that place. I started getting claustrophobic. I wanted to leave, but I was there to support my man and share in his joy or whatever. So, I stayed put.

Then it was time to play games. The coordinator had written out a series of parenting questions. "How long should you wait before you leave the baby with someone else?" "How long should you wait before you have sex?" "How can you tell why the baby is crying?"

Everyone picked a random question out of the jar and we had a big discussion. I was surprised at how much I knew about this shit. I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I suppose once is all it takes.

One thing I did not know but found interesting was how to stop a male child from pissing all over the place while your changing him. Not so much an issue with the girls. As it turns out, there is something called the pee-pee tee-pee. It's like a cone that you sit on his junk until you're finished handling the business.

Then they made their godparent announcements. It was very touching.

Of course, he was smart enough not to choose me. Not that I felt like I was really in the running. I guess we aren't that close. But for a moment there, I wondered.

I guess you don't really want the reluctant godparent thing though. I'd be all like, "Make sure you wear your seat belt." "Maybe it'd be smarter for you all to take separate flights." "Have you been monitoring your sodium intake?"

Then it was time for everyone to offer their wisdom and encouragement to the expectant parents. People had inspirational tidbits about spirituality and consistency and the like.

Then, for some reason, I was possessed with the desire to say something.

I lifted my Long Island Ice Tea and said, "Good luck. This shit is rough and rugged."


And then I went home and watched iCarly with my little youngin. Which is a damn funny show by the way. A lot better than that fucking Hanna Montana.


Thanks for reading.


Download the new Hurricane Katrina 3rd Anniversary Commemorative Single "WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY" (featuring Heron Gibran, produced by Du)


GOBAMA!


Postscript: Family Matters is on Nick At Nite now. When I was her age they ran Mr. Ed and Car 54, Where Are You?. My black ass is getting old. Pretty soon I won't have to worry about the consistency of my spunk. The motherfucker'll be spitting out dust.